If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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