I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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