Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
