I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
