Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
