Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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