Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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