I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
