Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Randomize
