Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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