i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
