I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
