Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
