We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
