Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
A bitchslap is in order.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
