i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
