i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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