Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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