Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
