I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
