He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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