Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
