So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
