im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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