i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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