moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wear drunk well.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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