Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
