my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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