shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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