Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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