I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
