Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
im about as happy as oj after his trial
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dick very happy bro
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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