So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
