I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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