He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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