she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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