My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
