Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
