i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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