It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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