4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
