apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
