Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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