by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
