she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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