i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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