How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
