i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
