I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
