In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
